THE BAND OF BONERS

Once again, into the fray of the moral shock in this country, over a Band of Boners. Silently, cowardly men sit by and let women beat on them about affairs, faithfulness, sex with only one woman for life, promises of fidelity -- and silently, men understand how much a load of horse-shit it is, and allow the beating, hanging their collective heads (all their heads) in collective pseudo shame. The rant continues. "He who dallies doesn't respect his wife" "an affair? why don't you just leave your wife"? "You are married??--how COULD YOU??" -- "..but you are MARRIED..." and on and on. I get queasy just hearing the platitudinal crapola and nonsense. The constant CONSTANT beaten drum by women that marriage and love and sex are somehow inextricably intertwined and cannot exist independent of each other--and that once into the trilogy, any deviation is some massive, male and hussy perpetrated evil. Oh Jesus. Spare me. 

The churches jump on board. The women, living in the fairy princess kingdoms jump on board. "one only has sex with one that one loves...sigh sigh..." Oh God. The crap is so thick I need a strainer. A man's view- Or this man's view - Marriage has nothing at all to do with sex with women outside the marriage. Being faithful is biologically absurd for men, and for many women. The expectation that a man will mary one woman and then never want to have sex, or have sex, with another willing partner, when the opportunity presents, is a joke. It hurts a lot of women, costs a lot of money and may be inevitable, but it is a paradigm based upon total horse-shit. 

It runs agains the very genetic history of our mammalian background and the most basic desires and needs of men, and often women, since the beginnings of whatever the beginnings were. To expect differently is to buy a ticket to an unmet expectation, which in turn is the reason for most human misery.

Marriage is unconnected with affairs. Happily married men can easily and without an ounce of trouble, have sex with other women and feel not a whit differently about their marriage or wives or families. It is women that make up facts different from these and the Churches and society back them up as a matter of moral control. In truth, it is relatively meaningless. It is also unfair to men, especially when they make it quite clear that there is no connection, no promise, no love forever, and then they are held to a standard and promise they never made or intended, based upon something women are essentially making up.

THere simply is not a connection, unless the men are caught. The getting caught brings the ramifications, not the substance of the act. The connection of an affair with a disdain for marriage?  That this is not true, this is something that women think and feel, but is not at all how men feel about it. This is the conflict of the ages. This is the cause of so much misery it cannot be calculated. it is not so much anyones fault, it is what it is and cannot be altered, because the essence of what and how people feel, genetically and chromosonally, is unchangeable.

A man does not have an affair because he wants to leave marriage. men do it to have sex and enjoy the company of women not their wives. They do not want to hurt their wives or the women they sleep with. True also of women doing the same thing. They are just screwing. I cannot say why women do it. Often, they have just faced the truth that they want to get laid by someone different than their partner.  But often it seems that they do it to obtain completion of a dream and promise never made or even contemplated by their partner. It is like two ships passing in the night, on all but one level. 

It is absolutely perfectly fun and un-damaging for a man to spend time with a woman, have great sex, laugh, enjoy conversation, enjoy company, have more sex, and none of this has any connection at all to marriage or love. The fact that women do not understand this is the cause of all this hurt and confusion. The damage is not from the act. The damage is due to some made up, fictional stuff and social/church control mechanism that come down to crush the "guilty" party, when it isn't a big deal. That's what i think. 

Women also make up things, not maliciously, or rather they hear and see and feel things that are simply not happening--because the idea of love is so important--the kind of sweep-me-off-my-feet-princess thing, that they imbue these characteristics into a strictly physical love affair, and take the enjoyment they feel from their partner as an agreement with their feelings. This expectation that remains unmet causes horrible pain, for which I, and other men, are very very sad and sorry.

Now, this reporter thing. Of course this guy Pateus has an unattractive wife who probably doesn't take care of herself, lets herself go, isn't interested in him, wont go run with him, has no interestes he has, and then comes this hot chick, slathering over his every word, writing his hero biography, and they are alone in another country, and the chemistry goes and they have sex. If you are shocked or surprised at that, you are being stupid. 

One problem is to try and make an agreement up front. "we are just having sex" "I am not leaving my wife or tearing my family or finances apart" I am just screwing you and you are screwing me and it feels good and we are having fun and we need to do it and shut up about it..." when that paradigm breaks down into something else, then feelings get hurt.

Men who have affairs do not have disdain for marriage. That is just something women make up, because that is how they think. 

I am not sure anything at all will ever change about any of this. I wish it were otherwise so much.