THE LOST LIGHT

And from that day forward, in the early 80’s, I never made another real friend, I never placed my trust in anyone, nor truly relied on anyone, I became suspicious, embittered, cynical, defensive and wary. Intentionally, I shielded myself from people, became alone, stayed alone. 

For reasons that seem obvious, but are rather confusing, I remained OK with friends I had before they did this to me, and I still trusted in them, even though---in harsh reality—it was they who abandoned me, who failed to stand up for me, who slunk away from me and left me alone with these beasts and dangerous monsters. They abandoned me, completely—but I still felt some kinship and trust for them. I suppose.

But everyone and everything that occurred after 1981? No. 

I lost my belief in systems, in ethics, in organizational ethics, --- I lost my innocence as to the job I had in law enforcement, I lost my pride and fierce desire to help and set things right, in the triumph of good over evil, of truth over lie. I lost my illusion that right prevails. Because it simply doesn’t. There is nothing on the side of right, nor of wrong. The moments unfold into each other. The flow is random. There is random good and random violence and no control of the current or where it takes you. It is an illusion. 

 

Look what these inferior, horrible, cowards and monsters did to me, with impunity. I had no way to fight or defend, except balls to the wall howling, standing up to them, challenging them, spitting at them, protesting, challenging and not allowing them to see my fear. 

 

But they gutted me, and they did it for all time. And there is nothing I could do about it. Because really, I was powerless. 

It is interesting that all they did to me was done out of recklessness and free-floating lack of giving a shit about what they did and who they did it to and how it left them. 

 

About how they looked. Complete disregard for destruction of lives. They never even thought about it. There was eventually animosity, and I am sure there were actual, real criminals involved… but largely, it was just hateful recklessness and shooting in a barrel that I was in, hapless and defenseless, and unable to protect myself. As such, the bullets found the mark. There was nothing to stop them.